Who Needs a Boyfriend? We Have Chocolate Cake!

One Valentines Day when my sister was in high school, one of her talented and creative friends gave her a homemade Valentine that read, " Who needs a boyfriend? We have chocolate cake!" It was a huge hit at our house and it was on the refrigerator for years! It became a family quip as well when anyone was depressed about their relationship status. My family is good at supporting each other and reminding each other of the truth and so today, on a day you might be struggling, I want to share some Jarvis wisdom with you!

1. You are not worth less because you are single, divorced, or widowed. It can feel that way at times when there are holidays celebrating relationships and people at weddings try to comfort you in your single state. I was single until I was almost 30 so I hightailed it out of my fair share of weddings. So many in fact, that I refused to make single ladies fight for my bouquet and instead gave it away to someone that I thought should be honored. It's not fun to be single sometimes, but it's also not fun to be in a relationship sometimes either. We like to focus on all the beautiful emotions we have being in love but being in love can also be intensely painful and what's truly beautiful about romantic love is honoring the commitment you make to show love in action when the romantic feelings are dim or even nonexistent. If you are single today, that means you are available for the right person and being with the right person is what matters. Relationships are hard work and you want to be with someone that makes all that work a joy. My mom was single for 12 years and she honestly didn't believe that she would ever meet anyone in her fifities or find someone that would love her 7 children as much as she did and then one November, a man who met every requirement she had appeared in her life through a friend. They got engaged on their first date and were married the following August. They say they are still on their honeymoon 3 years later! So, celebrate your singleness today because if a relationship is what you desire, it means that your story is still being written! And the beginning of the story is an exciting part to live!

2. You are not single because of your physical characteristics and/or personality quirks. Women especially over think things. We want there to be a reason we are single so we can do something about it and we go to great lengths to change things that in the end really don't affect your relationship status. We like to believe things like we are too fat, too thin, our boobs aren't big enough, our skin isn't clear enough, our eyes aren't the right color, we're too tall, we're too short, we're too loud, we're too quiet, we're too smart, we're not smart enough and on and on. We get our eyes set on a particular person and we will go out of our way to try and get their attention being someone we are not or degrading ourselves for not living up to what we think that person wants. It's a bunch of lies, people! I know tons of couples that are complete opposites to the point I can't wrap my mind around it! You will go crazy trying to make someone attracted to you and even if all your acting is successful, the truth is you'll never be happy with a person that doesn't want you for YOU and all your crazy, I grew up in a very conservative environment and I am independent, ambitious, outspoken, and intense ( not things most of the guys in my circle valued). I hate mingling and parties and chit chat. If you want to talk to me, I want to really know what's going on with you and I freak people out! I tried, unsuccesssfully, to put a lid on my crazy for a long time, and you know what, I married someone who likes me for those things. ( well mostly ;) Today, if you are looking in the mirror and criticizing yourself for your appearance or your quirks, STOP! You are beautiful! You are unique! And there is someone ( more than likely MANY someones) that will love all those things that you or others have criticized. The absolute BEST thing you can do for you is to continue exploring the things that bring you joy and fully focusing on being fully you. Let your personality attract people that are like you! Wouldn't you rather be with someone that not only accepts who you are but shares your passions? I promise you, it's worth being vulnerable to find that connection. Side note: If there are things you believe you legitimately need to work on like your weight or not gossiping ect, work on it! But do it for the right reasons and not because you're trying to impress someone else.

3. Take your eyes off yourself and look to serve others. One of the reasons we feel so depressed on days like this is because our eyes are on ourselves. I heard some say recently, " What you focus on expands." Meaning that if you are focusing on what you don't have or how lonely or sad you feel it begins to take over your thoughts and emotions, if you focus on the things that you are grateful for and how you can bless others, your gratitude and joy increase. As a single person, I often babysat for couples on Valentine's Day. I know that seems depressing but it isn't. When you are friends with couples that have kids you quickly see how beautiful your season of singleness is! These poor people don't get to sleep, their emotions are on edge, they don't get much time alone, and all those mushy feelings that made you want to gag when they were dating are dim. They NEED time alone to survive and it feels good to serve them. Or when my sister was in high school with no boyfriend at the time, I bought roses for her and her single friends to be delivered at school, it made me happy to bless them and put ME in better mood. One Valentines Day the single guys in our church took a group of ladies out to dinner and paid for it all without focusing on someone specific and we all had an amazing time! Another Valentines Day, I had to work by myself in Las Vegas, of all places, with brides and grooms running around all over the place and my girlfriends snuck tons of Valentines Day treats into my luggage. It was a huge blessing to me that others thought of me while I had to eat in a restaurant on Valentines Day ALONE. Take your sadness and use it to remember and bless others that might be feeling that way too! I promise it takes the sting out of Valentines Day!

4. When you are in a relationship, know yourself. My husband and I are not gift givers, in fact that was the very last love language on both our tests. I know that about myself. Our first year together, people always asked me on big holidays or anniversarys what Phillip did for me with looks of anticipation right after they gave these elaborate stories about what their significant other had done. They were awkward conversations for me and I always left feeling less than others until I realized. I don't want what they have. I don't like getting flowers, unless they were picked in a field, I think it's a waste of money. I don't want stuffed animals and giant boxes of chocolates. I didn't want a giant engagement ring or a public proposal. My husband blesses me the way I like to be blessed which is in very practical and probably boring ways. For Mothers Day last year, he bought me a four slice toaster and I cried because I only mentioned it once and passing and he remembered that I said it. For Christmas, he bought me ceramic pans that I had been wanting and wouldn't spen the money on. Today, he brought me a small box of chocolates because he knows I love them but I also don't like to have them in the house because I'm a fitness addict. Buying me a smaller box shows he knows me, he loves me, he's thinking of me and I love that! I don't care if the world says that's not enough or it's not romantic. it's romantic to me and that's all that matters. Being known and appreciated is what I want and he loves me so well. It's so easy to get caught up with what the media says we should want or to compare what our partners are doing based on what our friends are receiving but it's not going to make you content or happy. If you ARE in a relationship today, know yourself and your spouse well enough to appreciate what they do for you. You may need to work on it andcommunicate what it is that would bless you so they can learn. One bad gift doesn't doom a relationship and one great one doesn't mean it's true love.


5. We have chocolate cake! As a fitness coach, I don't condone drowning your sorrows in food but, years later, I come back to this quote because to my family the truth in this statement was, " Laugh through the pain." it's painful not to be picked, even when there is no one YOU would pick, but life is much much bigger than a romantic relationship! You may not have a significant other today, but you have many other important relationships that matter just as much. You have reasons to be joyful, reasons to be grateful. For just a second, I want you to remember how it feels to be interested in someone, how you want to learn everything about them, what they like,what makes them tick, and then I want you to use all that motivation to explore yourself! We start to feel like we know ourselves, but really we are full of untapped potential. You have skills and abilities you don't know you have. You have passions that you have yet to discover. Get to it! In the process of discovering what makes you tick, you may meet that person that you are waiting around for. Don't wait! Live! Life is a great adventure and it's all chocolate cake!