Killing Shame With Empathy

Several times in the last few weeks I have had people tell me they find me intimidating and its been bothering me! I've asked a lot of questions as I have tried to get to the root of it and today as I was reading some personal development, the answer surfaced.

I've shared before that I am a perfectionist, but it goes much deeper than that. I am a perfectionist because I've spent my life trying to look perfect. With every judgement that would get placed upon me from others, I would try to change, morph, and eventually hide the parts of myself that others deemed incorrect. I tried to take on pleasing everyone and slowly over time just grew silent because I can't. As someone that has been judged and hurt, I am very empathetic and find it very easy to talk to and minister to people that are feeling that way and, yet, I don't reciprocate. I struggle to share my weaknesses, to let people in and see my mess, but make no mistake, there is a GIANT mess.

I get anxious practicing hospitality. Its a lot harder to hide my imperfections when people come to my home! Ive blamed it on my lack of culinary skills but it doesn't take a lot of effort to order pizza, does it? To invite people to my home means that they will see the hand prints and crayon on the wall that I wasn't able to remove. They will probably see piles of laundry or the fact I care nothing about decorating my house. I'd rather be comfortable than dressy. I prefer not to wear make-up. I'm not organized. I hate to cook. I prefer a glass of wine and a deep conversation to any group activity.

I make people uncomfortable. Ive learned in my life that less of me is more. Except it isn't! The only thing that hiding has done has made me less visible to those that would understand and made me appear "perfect" to those watching my highlight reel. The last three years have been some of the hardest I have lived and I was too beat up from judgement to let anyone in.

Ive been learning that you can't hide from others judgement but you don't have to accept it either. Becoming a coach was single handedly the best thing I could have done for myself! It has forced me to put myself out there, to truly connect with people, and to dive back into personal development. When I first started, I literally thought I was going to be sick after I would post something personal. Even just bracing myself for others disapproving of Beachbody physically made me ill. I waited but it didn't come. I was either met with support or silence and both of those allowed me to grow in my ability to be more vulnerable. You all have played a role in helping me heal and learning to cast aside others judgement.

Brene Brown said, " Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy." I have found this to be true. In our challenge group, we are free to be honest. We are free to empathize because we are all in the same boat. I think fitness and nutrition is very important to adding life to our days but demolishing shame is the most important thing that happens in those 21 days. If I look like I have it all together, I don't. We all get tempted to believe the lie that we are the only one failing at life. The great secret is that all of success is simply improving one failure at a time!