Damage And Truth

When I was younger, and at the height of my eating disorder, doctors were always telling me I needed to gain ten pounds. At the time it was unfathomable to me. I couldn't even hear it.

After babies when I was sitting on 8 extra pounds, still under the doctor's recommendation, I believed it even less. All the weight was flab around my stomach and thighs. My clothes didn't fit well and all I wanted was to lose the weight.

Well I did! In 2 rounds of the 21 Day Fix but I kept going with that healthy lifestyle and you know what happened? I gained 8 pounds of it back in muscle. Right now I weigh the same as the day I started the program. I'm a healthy weight for my body, I don't have the flabby midsection, and I'm working towards an active and healthy middle age life.

My reasons for doing this have changed drastically. I've gone from being obsessed with the scale and maintaining a thin body to caring for myself through nutrition and daily exercise and embracing what healthy looks like for me. Instead of being worried about the size of my jeans, I'm interested in building muscle to keep me strong mobile as I go through my life. I don't want to be tiny and frail as I get older. I want to be healthy and strong.

The truth was I was more concerned with being socially valued than personally fulfilled. I was literally starving myself to maintain what other people told me was beautiful. If we are restricting our food intake to control external circumstances or over eating to self medicate, we are out of harmony with truth. Food is fuel, wonderful glorious fuel, not the enemy. Exercise is freedom, not punishment.

I'm willing to bet all of us have had some sort of negative experience that has warped nutrition and exercise for us, whether we are obsessed or opposed. It's ok to take it at your own pace and heal. It has taken years for me to shed a lot of the negative thoughts and self destructive habits. That stuff doesn't change overnight. Each day I would just make the best choices I could for myself and address the lies, fears, and pain as they surfaced.

What I started without even knowing it was working on my anger and damage and grief. I attached it to my weight but as I worked on that I uncovered the real culprit and I was able to heal and accept myself. Turning it all around and following the trail of destruction back to its source is the only way to have lasting change and true healing. So, if you are looking around you today and all you see it the mess, you are headed in the right direction! Keep going!